How to be a award winning researcher ?

Many PT teachers want to become researchers- published authors and become experts. So this is an easy guide to become one. Please note you dont have to follow all the steps.

The seven samurai- the team:

Let's kick off with the publishing game, where, let's be real, no one really cares about the intricate details of your research . The key to getting publishing. As we are not going to publish in some stupid journal which does not ask for money- we need money. So assemble you avengers. Collect 3 to 5 collaborators with one common mission – to publish! Don’t forget to get the one guy with money to throw. I hear there is always someone from middle east university who is can be your tony stark or bruce wayne. Those collaborators can’t be some some wanker who wants to do research– no sir, they should only have one motive only publication numbers. Alway have the principal in your team- it helps in getting rid of red tape and face it we need him/ her in the team.

Right your team is ready what next. Find some students who can do the grunt work, like filling excel sheet, doing alignment and such. Fill the data. don’t be an idiot and try to do actual research. That needs lots of reading, learning and doing. Who has the time- NAAC is coming and they are asking for your publication list.

How to choose the research topic:

When picking a research topic, don't bother with questions like, "Will this advance science?" or "Is this useful for patients?" Trust me, those questions will just give you a headache. Instead, go for straightforward winners like, "LASER vs. US for Low Back Pain" – because, let's face it, no one's bothered to compare them yet, and the mystery is just begging to be unraveled. It's like the Sherlock Holmes of research topics – elementary!

Always do RCTS

Don't chicken out – always go for the RCTs (Randomized Controlled Trials). Sure, nobody really know how to do them, or your college clinic does not have adequate patients- no problem- excel is there. So again get someone with good excel skills. So. If you want to be the Rajinikanth of research, start with "Baashha" or "Vikram" – not some obscure, low-budget flick like "VEEDU". I mean, seriously, who even knows what that movie is? We all need to hit up Google just to figure out that mystery.

Clever researchers will properly get ethical approval and register your trial prior. Always remember, these publishing editors ask for these silly things- so a good habit is do it- it does not cost anything. Again having principal in your team will help tremendously in assembling ethical committee and overcoming other red tape.

How to write a research article:

Well don’t be like some idiots who do a course on writing - just write. There is always AI to help, so no worries. If you can get some experienced published author thats a bonus so scout for them. Well there are also ghostwriter where in the whole thing will be written by them- if you have money to throw, you can do that.

What journal to publish:

This is fairly simple process. Ask the guy/ gal who has 40- 50 of publication in your college- better join there team. They will know what journal will publish the toilet paper you wrote, in the cheapest budget. You need to publish 5- 10 papers you want to spend less on each paper but get good mileage. Always publish in journal which has international in the title, even if it is little pricey- as i said the middle east author will take care of it. Don’t look into journals which publish for free, those feckers will take long time to publish your research and have a large rejection rate. Keeping on telling everyone you can only publish with spending money- that aways a prophylaxis to those pesky idiots who think otherwise.

What next?

Submit and wait for a week- voila it’s done. Send it to your parents, teachers, colleagues and the management. Write a thank you note- that’s important- if you are a junior staff or a teacher like the one you wrote in the acknowledgement of your projects. Flaunt it to the management- that’s why we are doing the whole fucking process- so that’s important.

Added bonus

Don't be a misser – there are these academic fixers who, for a fee, can also hook you up with a patent. Grab that piece of paper, and you've got something to show off to those clueless folks (which is basically all of us) who don't know the first thing about patents or research. Flaunt it like it's the crown jewels!

Getting awards:

Now, here comes a crucial move. Send out those congratulatory notes to your fellow "publishing pals" in other universities. Then, dial up the expert publisher and invite them to your college for a teaching gig, and vice versa. That's the secret sauce to becoming a "superstar." Don't forget to spice it up with signing MOUs with other universities, where your crew gets crowned as the best PT in their college and vice versa. Just a heads up, people might get a bit green-eyed over your achievements, so nurturing these cozy relationships is key.

Well even after this if you can’t become one, as MR. T said, “i pity the fool”